As a dating coach here in NYC, you’d likely think that most of the guys I work with are very different, diverse, experiencing very different challenges vis-a-vis women and dating. If that’s what you think, you’d be wrong…very very wrong.
It’s truly amazing how each of the guys who come to me tend to struggle with the exact same things. And, very regularly, the solutions to what they struggle with are usually the same as well. It has caused me to think that there is a true epidemic of fear and insecurity within our male population, which is usually the root cause of his struggles with women.
First, some catch words:
Mission or Aim
These are all important for one reason or another. Let’s begin with insecurity. We throw this word around like a tennis ball, but the fact is, it is a REAL thing. It manifests towards women a lot given their value to men. The more important something is, the greater the impact ones insecurity will manifest. Don’t ask me why – it just is that way. EVERY guy who struggles with women suffers from some level of insecurity. How do I know this? The number one attractive element in men to women is….SECURITY. (this is written about all over this blog, won’t rewrite it here)
Autonomy is simply the presence of security in a man. It is the quality of ones life being self-directed. It implies balance, power and meaning. The opposite of this would be imbalance, powerlessness and aimlessness. The solution, I have found, to the disease of insecurity is to pursue autonomy. My job as a dating coach is to find out where a guy has given up his power and train him to take it back. Becoming attractive to women, naturally, means a man is pursuing autonomy, he is seeking a real life of his own. No gimmicks can give him/you that…
Mission or Aim. Every new-age punk teacher has grasped these ideas and written multitudes of books about it (excluding David Deida’s marvelous “Way of the Superior Man”). All a guy needs is to have some concept of what he wants out of life, whether it is in the direction of career, hobby, travel etc – it doesn’t matter (at least to me). But, as long as a guy has a direction he can galvanize his energies around this, build a real lifestyle to support it, and start meeting people with whom he shares this interest. Mission/aim/purpose…very important, very simple. Lets not overcomplicate, OK?
Finally Lifestyle. Most of the guys I work with have a lifestyle that has been given to them. It is not one of their own crafting. Do you have latent interests? Are you living a life you love? Are you consciously designing a life around you? Or, do things “happen” to you causing to to “react” and take a smaller position in the world? It’s never in-between. It’s always one or the other: You are either consciously building a lifestyle or the world/others are unconsciously (best case) leeching off of you for its/theirs. My job as a dating coach, again, is to help a guy consciously craft his lifestyle. Once he begins this, power returns to him, the lights turn on again, and he becomes, unwittingly, attractive…
Approaching women, flirting, baiting, teasing etc are all important – but they must rest upon concrete, as opposed to sand. The themes outlined above are critical and must come first. No amount of slick gimmicks and tactics will hide the fact that the guy in question simply…doesn’t…get it.
Would that be you?
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NYC Dating Coach Stephen Nash