One Good Dating Tip: Take The Spotlight!

In socializing, and in particular with women, you have to be willing to take up space. 

Being confident enough to take the spotlight for a minute or two is strong and healthy.  You must be willing to do this.  In the beginning, it might be uncomfortable but it does improve over time.  You have a right to be on this planet, going for what you want, so don’t be scared to take up some space in a conversation.

I had to get used to the feeling of panic, nerves, anxiety and the like while telling a story, or flirting, or baiting…to get GOOD at that skill.  If you lack social experience, it will feel very weird and awkward to take up space socially.  You must get used to this. 

Practice, practice, practice…

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One Good Dating Tip: When To Say “Can I Buy You A Drink?”

If a woman smiles at you from across the room, how do you approach her?  She’s practically SCREAMING for you to come and talk to her.  But, what is NOW the best way to begin the conversation?

Before you even begin to move towards her, remember to keep it simple and never do more than you really need to do.

Use the E/S opener.

The Environmental/Situational opener (E/S) is where we approach a woman with a rather simple question which can possibly lead to a longer, more interesting conversation.  Some examples:

Nice bag, is that a new Gucci?Do you like this painting?Wow, that dance floor is packed!Boy this line is taking forever.Can I buy you a drink? (yes, you can say it…if she gives you a strong signal of interest…happy now?)

The structure:

Notice the environment and pull a relevant question or comment from it that you pose to her.  The ONE thing you know that you have in common with her currently is the CONTEXT of your surroundings.  So, start from there.  Simple and easy (as it should be).

If you are a physically attractive guy, this might be all you need to do at ANY point EVER socially.  Or, if she gives you a big smile, or other obvious signal from across the room, then approaching with an E/S opener is BEST.

Remember, never do more than you need.  If you have a strong “gut” feeling that she’s into you pose an E/S opener to her.

The E/S skill gets a lot of criticism as it is rather plain and unflashy.  But, if she gives you a strong signal of interest, why would you do more?  In other words, this CAN be a very effective skill, if used at the right time…

Stephen Nash

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One Good Dating Tip: Enlist A BFFF

By now you should know that planning parties, events and outings is the BEST way to meet women (didn’t know that?  Read “How To Get A Girlfriend” ).  For the *BEST* results you need to enlist a partner in “social” crime…

Your BFFF

Your BFFF=Best Female Friend…”Forever” (sorry, had to).

If you want to truly reach the highest of social heights, you need to enlist a hip, plugged-in woman to help you grow your social circle. It’s not “required”, but it does make a HUGE difference.

Ask yourself: If you received an invitation from “Joey” or from “Joey and Marie”, which would intrigue you more? If you knew a party was being thrown by both “Paul” AND “Vanessa”, wouldn’t it cause you to want to go MORE? Sure it would.

Why?

Women follow women, and men also follow women. Sure, some will come to your event and/or outing and sure, you can meet a lot of women without the BFFF. But, if you want to exponentially improve your social circle, social life and dating life…GET A BFFF.

Some rules for enlisting a BFFF:

Never hit on her;Never hit on her friends (with an exception, I will explain);Throw her some love by getting cool guys to come to the events/parties/outings (you scratch her back, she’ll scratch yours).

If she feels like she can meet cool guys in your circle, she will want to stay. As important, if she feels like the guys in your circle are cool and won’t make her or her friends uncomfortable, she will invite her attractive friends along.

All you need to do to cement her as the BFFF is do an event/outing together. Then, when it rocks (as it will), you say:

“Hey, let’s do this monthly – this was really fun”

And presto, you have yourself a BFFF.

Finally, if she invites a friend along that you want to meet…do it through the BFFF. Do NOT hit on her directly. Say something like:

“Your friend Alison is cute. I’d like to meet her. Do you mind if I intro myself or is it better through you?”

Yes, the honest route is best here. Your BFFF will have your back and make it happen. Women LOVE setting their female friends up with cool guys. Secure your partner in crime, and ride the fast track to some serious dating success.

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One Good Dating Tip: Her “Approach Me” Signals

Most women will not approach you. You “get” that, right?

But, they WILL give you signals, or “indicators” of interest. In this day and age it is somewhat taboo for a woman to overtly indicate her interest to a man. However, there are ‘ways’ she can signal you to approach her.

Some of these are obvious, and some are very subtle. But all should be known by a guy who is looking to meet more women.

One caveat: if a woman does NOT provide you with one of these, it doesn’t now mean you have an excuse NOT to approach her (I know all of the loopholes).

My list (Got your own?  Please add in the comments below):

Looks at you a bit longer than is “usual”Looks back to you more than once – the classic “double-take”Smiles at you (duh)Goes out of her way for you to notice her (walks past your table, when there are more direct ways to where she is going)Within her locale, shifts her body language to be more open to youIf adjacent, raises her voice so that you can hear herAccidentally “bumps” into youDrops something near you hoping you will pick it upPushes her hair out of the way, so that you can see more clearly her faceSubtly allows you to see more clearly what she is going; so, if she is reading, she will be sure you can see the book/magazine giving you an opening (subtle, but true)Sits or stands near you, but with her back directly to you. If you move, she moves tooHer feet and hips point towards you, but her shoulders and head don’t.Her lips swell, or become flushed. Her cheeks or neck might change color tooHer pupils dilate when she looks at youShe, ‘accidentally’, separates herself from her groupShe sees you, then adjusts her clothes

If she goes out of her way – in subtle and not so subtle ways – to get you to notice her, then guess what?

She wants you to notice her.

If you notice any of the above, she is probably interested. But, there is only one way to find out and that is to approach her.

Need help with that?  Read my How To Pick Up Women article.

Enjoy!  Oh, and remember, feel free to add more below…

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NYC Dating Coach: Themes I’ve Noticed…

As a dating coach here in NYC, you’d likely think that most of the guys I work with are very different, diverse, experiencing very different challenges vis-a-vis women and dating.  If that’s what you think, you’d be wrong…very very wrong.

It’s truly amazing how each of the guys who come to me tend to struggle with the exact same things.  And, very regularly, the solutions to what they struggle with are usually the same as well.  It has caused me to think that there is a true epidemic of fear and insecurity within our male population, which is usually the root cause of his struggles with women.

First, some catch words:

Insecurity
Autonomy
Mission or Aim
Lifestyle

These are all important for one reason or another.  Let’s begin with insecurity.  We throw this word around like a tennis ball, but the fact is, it is a REAL thing.  It manifests towards women a lot given their value to men.  The more important something is, the greater the impact ones insecurity will manifest.  Don’t ask me why – it just is that way.  EVERY guy who struggles with women suffers from some level of insecurity.  How do I know this?  The number one attractive element in men to women is….SECURITY.  (this is written about all over this blog, won’t rewrite it here)

Autonomy is simply the presence of security in a man.  It is the quality of ones life being self-directed.  It implies balance, power and meaning.  The opposite of this would be imbalance, powerlessness and aimlessness.  The solution, I have found, to the disease of insecurity is to pursue autonomy.  My job as a dating coach is to find out where a guy has given up his power and train him to take it back.  Becoming attractive to women, naturally, means a man is pursuing autonomy, he is seeking a real life of his own.  No gimmicks can give him/you that…

Mission or Aim.  Every new-age punk teacher has grasped these ideas and written multitudes of books about it (excluding David Deida’s marvelous “Way of the Superior Man”).  All a guy needs is to have some concept of what he wants out of life, whether it is in the direction of career, hobby, travel etc – it doesn’t matter (at least to me).  But, as long as a guy has a direction he can galvanize his energies around this, build a real lifestyle to support it, and start meeting people with whom he shares this interest.  Mission/aim/purpose…very important, very simple.  Lets not overcomplicate, OK?

Finally Lifestyle.  Most of the guys I work with have a lifestyle that has been given to them.  It is not one of their own crafting.  Do you have latent interests?  Are you living a life you love?  Are you consciously designing a life around you?  Or, do things “happen” to you causing to to “react” and take a smaller position in the world?  It’s never in-between.  It’s always one or the other:  You are either consciously building a lifestyle or the world/others are unconsciously (best case) leeching off of you for its/theirs.  My job as a dating coach, again, is to help a guy consciously craft his lifestyle.  Once he begins this, power returns to him, the lights turn on again, and he becomes, unwittingly, attractive…

Approaching women, flirting, baiting, teasing etc are all important – but they must rest upon concrete, as opposed to sand.  The themes outlined above are critical and must come first.  No amount of slick gimmicks and tactics will hide the fact that the guy in question simply…doesn’t…get it. 

Would that be you?

Learn more about my dating coaching programs right here in NYC by clicking below:

NYC Dating Coach Stephen Nash

Stephen Nash

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Guy Talk: What Is Your Dating Blind Spot?

Everyone has a blind spot.  And in the area of dating and women, many men have very prominent blind spots.  By definition, we might be unable to diagnose ourselves.  But, if we can generate an interesting discussion on blind spots we have noticed in OTHERS, we might be helped to take a different look at ourselves.

I know that when I was starting to learn how to get better with women and dating, a blind spot I had was in my mindset.  I suffered from a ‘frame of scarcity’.  When I was talking to a woman, I would get so locked-in on her that I would lose all perspective and begin to NEED her approval.  This is a huge no-no when meeting women.  No woman wants to feel needed within 5 minutes.  I could be surrounded by multitudes of women, and still feel a sense of panic if this particular girl was showing signs of losing interest.

My solution to this was to learn more gimmicks, try harder, change my body language etc.  My answer was cosmetic…which had little to no effect.

Gaining perspective for me was difficult.  But, I eventually obtained it by being persistent and growing my own self-esteem (by building my lifestyle).

What blind spots have you noticed, either in yourself or other guys?  Lets get a list going here as a point of reference for guys out there really trying to improve their social lives.

In working with a lot of men, here are a few I’ve noticed:

1) They *THINK* their ‘look’ is strong, when in fact it is boring and average

2) They *THINK* their body language is solid, but when they approach a woman they show blatant signs of neediness and nervousness

3) They *THINK* they have decent breath, but in fact it stinks (more common than you’d think unfortunately)

4) They *THINK* their lifestyle is strong and socially-focused when, in fact, it is average, anti-social and uninviting to women (this one’s complex…and very, very common)

And the biggie…

5) They *THINK* that learning ‘pick-up’ skills will help them to meet women, when in fact their results are barely improving (if at all).  The common solution here is to ‘buy more products’ or ‘learn more gimmicks’ or ‘practice harder’ when, in fact, they are aggravating the issue (It’s subtle, but I see this one a lot; in fact, I’ve come to call my 1-1 NYC Dating Coaching “PUA Detox” as many guys are infected with a bunch of rubbish and mental nonsense that is only making matters worse…)

What issues have you seen in your friends, wingmen, or other guys you’ve watched interacting with women?

Again, it might be impossible for you to see your blind spot, but if you can see another’s it might be a clue as to what is infecting you…

Lets go!  Add your thoughts below.

Sn.

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